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Asea, asea, adrift on the wide expanse

3/17/13 04:14 pm

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3/16/13 08:10 am

It's a dreary, gray, cold morning. It fits my mood. Maybe I'll go for a walk in the woods and frighten all the little woodland creatures.

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3/15/13 11:31 pm

Why bother remembering all this? I just shoot heroin.

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3/15/13 03:03 pm

I don't think I'll ever understand the appeal of fountain pens. Perhaps it's my bad handwriting: why spend $500 on a nice pen when my handwriting is so atrocious? (When I was in tenth grade my chemistry teacher told my mother that my handwriting looked "retarded." This from a teacher who believed in creationism.)

Also, most fountain pens, even the $3,000 ones, are made with cheap material. Even if their nibs are gold, their bodies are--let's be honest--plastic. And we all know that plastic equals crap.

3/14/13 04:30 pm

Holy Crap, Dow Jones, slow down!

Dow closes at almost 84 points up today.

3/14/13 02:25 pm

I feel bad.

I just bought a new Kindle Paperwhite. Why do I feel bad? Because I already have a perfectly good Kindle; I just wanted the smaller, cooler version. It's so UNLIKE me to spend money on something just to have the latest version. It goes against my strong miserly instincts.

3/13/13 09:41 am

Somebody tell me how to respond to this pompous prick.

An email I sent to some coworkers this morning:  "Of the three examples of ER diversion that we highlight, the Maine program seems to me to be the best and most effective, if only because of the number of hospitals involved. I know that Mike thinks very highly of Dr. _____. and the program there. I don't know to what extent the Maine association is involved, though."

P.P.'s response, a reply-all: "Quantity doesn't always relate to quality, Rob. Be careful"

I almost responded with, "That's good advice. I believe Gandhi said something similar concerning good works, only less condescending."

3/12/13 07:57 pm

I'm Cosimo Oxhead over at GoodReads, in case you have an account there and want to add me.

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3/11/13 03:37 pm

Baseball season is approaching, so it's time for me to bring out shibboleths I think should be eliminated. I have two biggies.

One: the baseball diamond is not a diamond. It's a square.

Two: "batting average" should be "batting percentage."

3/11/13 02:23 pm

Some definitions.

Bucolic. It means peaceful, always associated with a rural setting, perhaps rolling farmland. It's from bous, Greek for cow, or boukolos, cattle, or ox. My Facebook cognomen (more Greek) is--was--Cosimo (Italian) Oxhead, in honor of Bucephalus, Alexander's horse. Bucolic. Years ago when I traversed my uncle's Michigan farm and stepped in a huge, steaming pile of cow shit, it was a bucolic moment in extremis, to mix Latin with Greek.

Now consider pastoral. Pastoral. Same meaning, but with sheep shit. Sheep in the lea (not lee, which means shelter, but lea, which means pasture. I thank crossword puzzles for teaching me the difference. Ag students at the University of Maryland should be called Lea Majors.)

The "Old Man and the Sea" is a piscatorial novel.

3/11/13 01:57 pm

The Match.com profile photo of the month.

I'm a butt man, admittedly, but this one could give me a heart attack just looking at it.

I bet this callipygian pixie would be no fun to hike with. With those glutes she'd zip up a mountain trail at record speed!


3/10/13 10:17 pm

At dinner tonight Termeh was telling me how bad driving in Tehran is.

"Oh my god," she said. "Every time I go back there I think I'm going to die."

She regaled me with some awesome taxi stories, which segued nicely into...

Me: "I'd love it if you could teach me a few choice swear words in Farsi, so I can have something to say when I'm driving with my kids."

Termeh: "Hmm, I don't know which ones you'd prefer."

Me: "Well, what do you say when you stub your toe in the middle of the night?"

Termeh: "Fuck."

Me: "Yeah, I already know that one, thanks."

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3/10/13 03:57 pm

Going to see "Life of Pi" tonight. But the 3D version is the only one playing when we want to go. I normally don't like 3D movies, but this one looks like it might be OK. Anybody here seen it?

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3/9/13 08:28 pm

An email I sent to one of those scam Match.com "winkers" today:

"Hi. Thank you for winking at me. Unfortunately, I don't think we're a match. I've recently discovered that I prefer dating women who are around three feet tall. This is perfect for me when we go to a bar because they're just the right height for me to rest a beer mug on their heads. I hope you understand."

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3/9/13 01:04 pm

OK, here is another great Scrabble start.

"Why Junior, I do believe you're..."

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3/8/13 10:17 pm

LED illuminated menus. Schweet!

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3/8/13 04:30 pm

Our president is speaking with a New York Times reporter on the phone literally as I write this. He's emailing me the questions and I'm emailing the answers back. It's like the old earpiece trick, ala George Bush during one of the debates with John Kerry.

3/8/13 03:30 pm

Whatever happened to Anthony Bourdain? Did he choke to death on a red-throated lorikeet bone and nobody think to tell me?

3/8/13 03:04 pm

Speaking of Googling phrases (I've done this particular one before), the line, "I'm not responsible" returns 116 million results. The line, "I'm responsible" returns 14 million.

3/8/13 03:00 pm

My greatest sublunary goal for the past few years has been to write a legitimate three-word phrase that appears nowhere else in the estimated trillion web pages on the internet.

3/8/13 10:14 am

The Scientologists were handing our flyers at the Metro station today. It seems I can get a "free personality test" over at their 16th Street palace today. I was asking people in the office if they'd go with me, confident that no one would want to. But Allison (a coworker) shocked me. She wants to go. Now my big mouth and I are committed. I told her they might try to keep us prisoner and she said, "Ooh, and adventure!"

3/7/13 05:02 pm

Ooooh! This is going on my birthday wish list!


3/7/13 01:18 pm

I was just sauntering around OpenSecrets.org looking at PAC donations for various members of Congress, when this navigation heading on Rep. Marcia Fudge's page caught my eye:

Home » Politicians & Elections » Congress » Marcia L. Fudge: PAC Data

"Fudge: PAC"


3/6/13 06:04 pm

Birding and smoking on the balcony this dreary afternoon. I've got some mourning doves above, 15 robins below, and my old pals, the bonded cardinal couple whose territory spans about 120 feet in the copse shown here.

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3/6/13 11:07 am

You've been very good LJ friends. As a reward, here's a photo of Marilyn Monroe lifting weights in a bikini top and denim.


3/6/13 09:36 am

I do believe I'm the only person in Washington, D.C., who came to work today.

3/5/13 04:56 pm

I just counted the number of movies in which Daniel Day-Lewis has had a major role. Eighteen. EIGHTEEN! And he's won three Oscars for best actor! He's great, but his agent must be God! 

3/5/13 04:06 pm

Dow holds its gains, closes at record high.

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3/2/13 08:20 pm

What the hell IS that?

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3/1/13 05:14 pm

Today I learned, via the New York Times crossword puzzle, that Superman shaves himself with his heat vision. I didn't know Superman even had heat vision. More astounding to me is the notion of Superman having to shave, or to be more accurate that he could, if he wished, grow a beard. I never thought about that. Wouldn't it be great: Superman flying through the air with a long rabbinical beard flowing over his shoulder?

Oh, and rolypolypony, I must be trippin' too. I SEE THOSE CATS!

2/28/13 11:08 am

Google founder Sergey Brin is quoted today on Bloomberg's web site saying that smartphones are "emasculating" while touting the advantages of the company's Google Glass mobile computing device. I agree with him about smart phones. In fact, I think cell phones in general are rather emasculating. Whatever happened to the laconic man as the masculine ideal? Now it's gab, gab, gab all the time. Even at the gym they're yammerin' away. Last night I thought one guy was picking at the calluses on his hand (a respectable activity at finer grunt gyms everywhere) but it turned out he was texting. Emasculating indeed.

But as for the assertion that Google Glass is somehow...macho?


Hey Serge, I got news for ya...

2/28/13 09:50 am

When I was last on Match about three years ago, I basically did an "around-the-world tour." For some reason, at least in D.C., a lot of foreign-born women use the site. Among the outlanders I dated:

A Brazilian. (Who was also a fundamentalist Seventh-Day Adventist, a Brazil nut, if you will.)
A Russian. (Who became my paramour for a couple of years. She was crazy, too, but oh so sexy.)
A Ukranian. (A cutie who had the unfortunate name Olga.)
An Iranian. (Termeh, my Persian beauty, who I still see.)
An Italian.
An Irishwoman.
A Frenchwoman.
And two Kyrgyzstanis. (I can't explain THAT. It was odd talking to them. They looked Chinese, but had thick Russian accents.)

Match has begun to feel like a giant Casbah bazaar, with beautiful silks and rugs and scarves everywhere. (Even a macaque or two.) Finding the love of my life via the internet is not as easy as I thought it would be!

2/27/13 07:59 pm

No TV, no computer, I don't feel like reading and there's no one here to talk to. What the hell, I might as well go pump some iron. It's a shoulders, neck, lats and triceps night! (I'm always in my best shape when I'm sans girlfriend.)

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2/27/13 02:01 pm

2/26/13 04:57 pm

I was reading the Bible last night (everyone needs a hobby) and turned to Psalms and found this:

"He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust."

--Psalms, 91:4

According to biblical literalists, I suppose this means that God is a mother hen. How nice. 

2/26/13 01:42 pm

Izzy and the Catastrophics, the band we saw Saturday night. Nice.

2/25/13 06:17 pm

Holy crap, I never knew what an awesome, hard-hitting, ass-kicking album AC/DC's "Powerage" was. I bought it on a whim and now I can't stop listening to it.

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2/25/13 11:43 am

I'm currently reading Dickens's "Our Mutual Friend" and it just seems to go on and on and on...

2/25/13 09:47 am

Rebekah and I have a game in which we correct the bad grammar in songs, and then sing them as if they were written that way. For instance,

"You are nothing but a hound dog."

Or, to fix the great Bob Dylan's weird word choice, "Lie lady, lie." (Here's Clapton, channeling a seventh-grade English teacher: "Lie down Sally."

The one that's been in my grammarian head all morning?

"Julio and I are down by the schoolyard."

It's true: bad grammar makes for great music.

2/24/13 06:19 pm

There is a bit of Arkie folk wisdom I'd like to share with you, which comes by way of my grandmother: "You're never more than three feet from a spider."

Have a good night.

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2/24/13 12:42 pm

Good marketing. Because nothing says "romance" like pumpernickel.

Now that we know what " pumpernickel" means in Old German, I can't take this bread seriously anymore. I don't think "devil's fart, with whole kernels" sounds very appetizing.

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2/24/13 10:08 am

Termeh and I went to see Izzy and the Catastrophics at Iota last night. Great show. Before that we walked the boulevard and had dinner at a Mexicali place.

I wasn't mistaken for Matt Damon. I was, however, mistaken for Termeh's dad, which she thought was just sooooo funny.

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2/22/13 04:03 pm

I shopped for a few things on the way home today. I bought some black Levi 514s, a black belt, some awesome black boots and a dark gray thigh-length wool jacket. I'm going to look like Jason Bourne going to Iota Club with Termeh tomorrow night.

(Uh oh. I just thought of something. What if people keep mistaking me for Matt Damon. That could get annoying.)

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2/22/13 11:21 am

How did grass clippings get into my tea bag?

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2/21/13 08:11 pm

The New Yorker this week published this photo of Gerard Depardieu. Holy cow! I'm off to the gym.

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2/21/13 06:49 pm

Today's word is brought to you by Metro.


- adjective

1. yielding or diffusing an odor.

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2/21/13 05:08 pm

I got to take a break from Match.com. I keep seeing some version of this phrase in the "what she is looking for" section of the profiles:

"I want a man who is comfortable with himself."


That's almost as bad as the ones seeking a man who is "genuine."

I want to write to them and suggest that while I may not be genuine, I am a reasonable facsimile of myself.

2/21/13 04:33 pm

Mama se, mama sa, mama ku sa!

2/21/13 09:26 am

Strange. Richard has a habit of telling the staff that one of us is out sick by blocking off the day in Outlook and sending it to everyone as if it were a meeting request. So just now I got a "Bill out sick" notice in my inbox with an option to "Accept" "Decline" or mark "Tentative." I declined.

Bill better get his ass in here pronto!

2/20/13 09:39 am

Some positive news from the dating front. I wrote Jen, the nature center cutie, to tell her that lunch would be fine. She wrote back with some positive words, and included her schedule for the next month! She said she was "overjoyed" that I wanted to buy her lunch. And get this: she inserted a smiley emoticon! Isn't an emoticon the equivalent of a declaration of love? Am I reading too much into it? I need to get a haircut!
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